Meander

I never had that magical movie moment when right after giving birth, the nurse hands you a pretty pink baby and you all sit there, glowing, looking at each other with a gentle tear running down your face. For me… it wasn’t love-at-first-sight. It was visceral-need-to-protect-at-any-cost,-perhaps-even violently, at first sight. I remember laying there begging, for water, as the nurse measured and administered to Dexter. At some point through the haze I picked up on a note of concern in her voice. Soon they told me Baby Boy Barr would have to go to the special care nursery because he had low glucose levels. I got to hold him for a minute and I was just scared. I worried for him, but didn’t really understand what was wrong, and couldn’t really think clearly. The next forty-eight hours were pretty surreal. Each time Joel rolled me down to the NICU, I would cry. My emotions ranged from the frantic need to fight some unspeakable battle to take care of this little one, to complete vulnerability because this was a situation no one could control. Of course, Dex ended up being fine. He was slow to eat, perhaps because of the bruise on his head, and consequently he had low blood sugar. We were so lucky, and he is a strong kid. Mostly I mention that because those first few hours were nothing like my expectation of that love at first sight I’d seen in countless films.

What I have experienced is more of a gradual change from curiosity and concern to hopeless, unabashed love for my little man. I feel deliriously lucky and happy to have spent this last year getting to know him. He smiled and laughed pretty early and hasn’t stopped since. I am surprised at how many personality traits already seem to have emerged. Dex is a class clown. He loves to do things that make people laugh and if you oblige him, he’ll keep going for the laugh. Also, much to Joel’s joy, he is a drummer. He bangs on everything with his tiny little hands, or with the remote controls as drumsticks. I love every part of being his mom. Happy birthday Little Man.